THE LIVELY

BLOG

The latest podcasts, vlogs & blog posts.

VBIDating

Today I have two things to share with you:

1. A very personal and vulnerable story about my newest Values-based intention.

I share this with you so that you can see how I wrestle with my own ego, and also how I use VBI’s to overcome it. But before we get personal, I wanted to remind you…

2. I’m doing two free, live (online) Intention Setting Workshops (one this Wednesday and one next week).

IntentionSettingWorkshop

As I’ve shared on The Lively Show, the next round of Life With Intention Online starts in just a few weeks. I truly believe that living with Values-Based Intentions can transform your life, which is why I am so excited to share this free live workshop with everyone who registers.

Join me by clicking the above link and choosing the time that is most convenient for you – I will stay on at the end of the workshop until every question is answered – I promise!

To better understand why joining one of the Intention Setting workshops is so powerful, it’s time to share the story behind my newest Values-Based Intention – for dating (eek!).

I’ll start by saying that I always encourage my LWIO members to focus on the life areas that either stress them out, or they want to strengthen.

And in this case, dating is one that falls on both sides of that spectrum for me right now.

Warning: Here is where we get up close and personal.

Ready?

Ok.

Deep breath.

Let’s do this.

First, I’ll start off by saying that the decision to start dating after a relationship ends is entirely personal.

Some people jump from one relationship to another in a matter of days or weeks. Others take months or years.

And some people do a mix of both.

Right now, I’m in the process of figuring out what is best for me and how I’d like to approach this area of my life.

To be honest, my track record with dating has been pretty bleak historically.

I dated a guy who didn’t treat me well in high school and aside from an early relationship in college, formal dating wasn’t really a thing back then.

Then, in my last semester of college, I found a lovely boyfriend who I was with happily for three and a half years. Followed by meeting Mr. Lively eight weeks after that break up – as friends initially – which flowed into a relationship and eventually a wonderful marriage.

So for all intents and purposes, I haven’t dated since I was (ironically) last living in Ann Arbor nine years ago as a college student.

Life has a sense of humor to plop me back here of all places, no?

However, though I find myself in my old stomping grounds, I have lived what seems an entire lifetime since my last bout with single-hood.

I am an entirely different person in many ways, with updated Values, experiences, and perspectives.

Yet, while I’ve grown so much, my ego has evolved at a much slower pace.

(Remember: the ego’s prerogative is to keep us “stuck” and waste our time going around and around the same circles of “certainty” and “safety” — even if that reality isn’t productive or positive.)

It’s goal lately is to keep me stuck in my past habits, behaviors, and experiences.

It wants to overemphasize the role dating needs to have in my life right now.

It wants to start eking out validation and approval from dating partners above my own self-validation and self-approval.

It wants to have a firm plan in mind when it comes to dating people – whether I date “just to have fun” or to “find the one” it is desperately seeking out some sort of control over the situation.

Though it is not fun to admit all of this… it’s the truth.

And as much as it sucks to admit my ego’s drama, the wonderful flip side is that my intuition knows these beliefs are not true. 

To help myself navigate this confusing conflict between the beliefs and emotions of the ego and intuition, I’m creating a new Values-based intention for my dating life to stay rooted in my Values:

“To practice cultivating a magical kitchen.”

“What the what?!” you ask?

Yeah. This sounds kind of weird, I agree.

Let me explain.

The Value of “cultivating a magical kitchen” comes from The Mastery of Love which talks about the power of cultivating a rich life (aka “kitchen”) filled with self-love and love for others that gives freely and openly to everyone without neediness or striving to get that “food” of love from others.

The author, Miguel Ruiz, goes on to say that when our own kitchens are depleted of self-generated love and appreciation, we tend to seek that love “food” from others — and are often willing to accept “stinky pizza” from others simply because we are starving.

Whereas when our magical kitchen is overflowing with delicious foods, we are much less inclined to accept stingy offerings from relationship partners… A stinky pizza simply isn’t that appealing when you already have a banquet of delicious foods at your fingertips.

We simply don’t need it, so we don’t get stuck holding onto situations or circumstances that don’t align with our own level of self-love.

This analogy is what I can use to stay rooted in to help keep those ego fears and insecurities at bay.

Meanwhile, the Value of “practice” comes from the yogic phrase “practice and all is coming.”

Which is to say that all the lovely things I’d love to experience in my life, like a life-partner and family, will come from fully practicing (aka fully experiencing and enjoying this present moment).

This Values-based intention can now help guide me to the next positive action – even when my ego swirls up all sorts of unhelpful drama.

For example,

I don’t have to overemphasize the role dating needs to have in my life right now.

Instead, I choose to practice cultivating a magical kitchen.

I don’t have to start eking out validation and approval from dating partners above my own self-validation and self-approval.

Instead, I choose to practice cultivating a magical kitchen.

I don’t have to have a firm plan in mind when it comes to dating people – whether I date “just to have fun” or to “find the one.”

Instead, I choose to practice cultivating a magical kitchen.

 

I am simply invited to live my Values of self-love in the present moment, given my current circumstances.

The outcomes of dating with this mindset in mind will be largely secondary to the joy and fulfillment I’ll receive from generating an abundance of self-love.

And the historical attraction to “stinky pizza” love will be unappealing with this new focus in mind.

Of course there is more to this process as I start to implement it practically in my dating life, which I teach in LWIO, but I can say that even simply creating this new VBI is bringing an immense amount of peace and clarity already.

It’s like a huge exhale of all the ego’s worries and concerns.

Values-based intentions like this one truly create real, tangible results not only for me, but also for almost 500 LWIO members worldwide.

Which is why I want to share this approach with everyone who can attend one of my two live, online Intention Setting workshops.

I want to help you start to experience more peace, joy, and fulfillment.

>> Sign Up An Intention Setting Workshop Here. <<

May something wonderful happen to you today.

 

Love,
Jess!

 

 

  • Tomissa Porath

    This was amazing to read, Jess. You know yourself best, and I think you are taking a wonderful approach to the next stage in your life. Yes, it is a bit funny you’re back in Ann Arbor once again, but this may be the best thing — or it could be a stage that ends soon.

    You just do you — and thanks for sharing your story!

  • Namrita

    Beautifully said. I am still digesting what you wrote but I know I will be coming back to this several times to reflect on what you shared. This line is key: “Remember: the ego’s prerogative is to keep us “stuck” and waste our time going around and around the same circles of “certainty” and “safety” — even if that reality isn’t productive or positive.”

    This is very helpful to read and think through (plus I know have a pretty fun mental image of a magical kitchen to carry with me and that makes me smile 🙂 ).

  • Thank you, Tomissa for your encouragement! I really appreciate it. : )

    May something wonderful happen to you today!

    Love,
    Jess!

  • That is wonderful to hear, Namrita! If that part about the ego struck home with you, I think you would really like the book “The Power of Now.” SO good!!

    Love,
    Jess!

  • Jeremy

    A friend recently gave me some great advice on this topic – she said the the best thing is life (relationships included) typically happen when we’re “living not looking”. That one simple mantra has increased my joyfulness exponentially, every time I catch myself in that ego-driven “looking” mode.

  • Namrita

    And… I am adding that to my list of books to read next. 🙂 I have heard you mention it before so will definitely look into it. Thanks!

  • My pleasure! Enjoy.

  • Living not looking… I love that! Thank you for sharing that with me – it’ll get tucked in to my ‘practice and all is coming’ mantra. : )

  • Dolly

    I’ve been subscribing to your podcasts for a few months now and I’ve been meaning to comment on how much they have improved my life! I love all of your back catalogue but I’ve found the shows focusing on health and eating to be the most helpful. Thank you for giving me some extra mental weapons to defeat my inner demons. May something wonderful about to you today and everyday x

  • Melissa N.

    Just registered for LWIO! I’ve very excited for this, and look forward to engaging with this community. (sending you hugs)

  • : ) Thank you so much for this sweet note of support and encouragement, Dolly!

  • Yay! I can’t wait to work with you in class, Melissa!! See you there soon!

  • leo

    Beautifully said. I am still digesting what you wrote but I know I
    will be coming back to this several times to reflect on what you shared.
    This line is key: “Remember: the ego’s prerogative is to keep us
    “stuck” and waste our time going around and around the same circles of
    “certainty” and “safety” — even if that reality isn’t productive or
    positive.”

    This is very helpful to read and think through (plus I
    know have a pretty fun mental image of a magical kitchen to carry with
    me and that makes me smile 🙂 ).

  • : ) That’s wonderful to hear, Leo!

    It’s so true: the ego gets scared of uncertainty (which is often where our Intuition is leading us to go — aka: grow!)

    I hope you enjoy the magical kitchen concept, you may enjoy “The Mastery of Love” if this resonates.

GOT A QUESTION? CLICK HERE

WANT TO SUBMIT YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE FOR THE LIVELY SHOW?

WOULD YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW MAKE A GREAT LIVELY SHOW GUEST? PLEASE SUBMIT! YOUR INFO OR SOMEONE ELSES' INFO HERE.

WANT TO LEARN HOW TO LIVE FROM VALUES-BASED INTENTIONS?

JESS' ONLINE COURSE LIFE WITH INTENTION ONLINE TEACHES YOU JUST THAT! SIGN UP FOR UPDATES HERE.

HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR INTENTION TATTOO ORDER?

PLEASE EMAIL ASHLEY AT JESS@JESSLC.COM directly.

GUEST POST + BLOG ADVERTISING POLICY.

DUE TO THE FORMAT OF MY WORK, I DO NOT ACCEPT GUEST POSTS OR BLOG ADVERTISING (SPONSORSHIP IS ONLY AVAILABLE FOR THE LIVELY SHOW PODCAST AND YOU CAN MORE INFO BY SUBMITTING HERE).

YES! I AM AN AMAZON AFFILIATE.

WHICH MEANS AMAZON ITEMS (SUCH AS BOOKS) I GENUINELY LIKE AND RECOMMEND MAY EARN ME A COMMISSION.

WANT A LITTLE EXTRA DOSE OF INTENTION IN YOUR INBOX?
YES PLEASE!

Contact us

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.