This is tough to write.
I want people to know that I’m happy, that I’m not depressed, that I still love Jess, I look forward to still being close friends, I’m excited about our future lives, I cherish the past five years, and everything is okay.
Really, everything is okay.
I’ve been asked if I’m okay multiple times, usually accompanied by a very serious stare into my eyes a few inches from my face.
It all reminds me of something Jess learned from her yoga instructor (bear with me here) that we’ve enjoyed ever since. The idea of santosha, which reminds us to think in terms of ‘this AND that’ as opposed to ‘this OR that’.
It comes in handy a lot, and I think it very simply puts how I feel.
I cherish my time with Jess AND I’m excited about a future where we are close friends AND I loved being married AND I’m happy not being married right now.
Isn’t it great?
I like to think this also how Jess and I have spent our time together.
We couldn’t settle for being just one way. We wanted to be relaxed at home living a peaceful life AND do everything all at once.
We would go through periods of cozy hibernation (sometimes literally because of Chicago’s winters), only to burst out and make big sweeping changes because it felt right at that moment.
Three states, two dogs, multiple businesses, multiple jobs, many websites, a wedding in Paris, and so much more all of which felt like they happened at a moments notice.
A lot of times there would be some stress, but it was always the right move in the end.
I live a very fortunate life in so many ways, and the friendship that Jess and I will continue to share is certainly something I’m grateful for. Also, that we’ve been able to go through this in such a loving and supportive way.
I don’t think it would be honest if I didn’t acknowledge that we are both losing some things by our decision. Or that we haven’t wept, worried or stressed, we have.
We are losing time together, futures we planned, and we are splitting our dogs up.
This process has a lot emotions all at the same time, and that’s okay. We can be sad and excited, worried and confident, and we can continue to be loving.
Much like any other big decisions we’ve made, it’s not without difficulty, but just like every other time, it feels right, it’s from our values, and I believe once again, it will be the right move in the end.
P.S. I’m glad Jess is keeping the name Lively, because she’s lived it every day of her life.
You can listen to the podcast where I (Jess) share this news + my experience here.