Jess Lively

As I mentioned yesterday in the Part One of this post, I have spent the last nine years of my life thinking about my weight and food more than anything else. I split the time almost equally going in both extremes of eating too little and too much. What was once a restrictive diet evolved into a emotional eating habit. Both were terrible in different ways, but at the same time, each led to the same result: I was miserable, and I was trying to escape bigger issues in my life by focusing on something more manageable. I distracted myself from heartbreaking events by creating a “designated problem” – my weight.

Luckily, I have gradually taken steps to get myself out of this mess I made for myself. None of these realizations came easily. And every step was necessary for me to finally reach the point I’m at currently: free from the bondage of weight. Below I’ll explain the steps leading from binge eating in college (there was a period of time where I couldn’t sleep with chocolate in my room – it had to be eaten that day) to eating naturally.

I Curbed the Emotional Eating

This step was incredibly tough, in fact, it took a few years. In the beginning, when difficult or uncomfortable thoughts came to mind, I would “feel” hungry and would begin to eat. Often, I would eat until I was incredibly uncomfortably full. I didn’t have a grasp on what satiated really meant for me. After a binge like this, whether it be privately in my dorm room or after eating with friends at Olive Garden, I would double my pain: not only did I still have the same uncomfortable feelings I had before, but I then felt guilty about eating too much food.

Slowly, I began to recognize when I was binging while I was eating. And eventually that step led to identifying the urge to binge before eating. And ever so gradually I started to find ways to distract myself from the urge to binge. After that, I came to a point where binge eating didn’t come to mind when facing something difficult.

Here’s a poem I read back in college that helped me see this process clearly:

I:
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…
I am helpless.
It is not my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.
II:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in…It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson

I Tried to “Healthfully” Lose the Last 10 Pounds

Once I had a more normal view on the emotionally eating and restricting calories, I admittedly did drop 10 of the extra 20 pounds I had gained in college. But I was still quietly determined to get back to my “goal” weight range (which I asked my doctor to tell me, I didn’t trust my own judgment with something like that anymore). During this period I tried eating smaller portion sizes, using a nutritionist’s chart checking off each carb and protein I consumed, running two marathons, and setting moderate calorie ranges for myself. But the needle on the scale barely moved.

Though the emotional toll of these measures were more gentle than the extremes of my past, they didn’t free me of the obsession with weight. And because I had a healthy BMI, there was a part of me that was ashamed that I still wanted to lose the extra weight. Almost selfish. I thought that if my friends and family knew what I was trying to do they would disapprove. Or worse, that I might eventually actually get to my goal weight and plummet back down to 103 pounds again – without anyone stopping me.

Looking back on these fears, I see that they aren’t logical or even probable. But then again this fascination on my weight was not logical either. This period of my life lasted up until February of this year.

I Tried Weight Watchers and Asked for Support

In February of this year I read two stories about how bloggers lost weight using Weight Watchers online. I was inspired by the fact that both ladies had healthy BMIs and were not severely overweight, but still wanted to be at their personal best. I decided to try it myself to see if I could get the same results. And at the same time, I came out about my struggles with weight to friends. I told them my story and told them my goal was to be 5-10 pounds lighter and that if I ever reached a certain point, that they needed to say something. Setting a boundary on the weight loss goal helped me eradicate that lingering fear that I might someday be underweight again.

The Weight Watchers program itself was great. I do strongly support it for those who don’t know the basics of healthy eating or for those who do not use weight to distract themselves from bigger issues in their lives. In fact, of all the things I’ve tried in the past nine years, this is the most sound program I’ve ever done. I even lost some weight while doing it myself. But over the months I noticed that I would fluctuate between the same five pounds, no matter how many times I counted my points. And to be honest, most weeks I didn’t meet the plan’s point restrictions. When I was good, I was good. When I was bad, I was bad.

Besides the healthy habits that WW helped me form (I started eating salads again!), I think the most important outcome from this period was that my friends knew about this goal and supported me. What I thought would lead to criticism and shame actually was accepted. They didn’t care nearly as much as I thought they would. And that’s when it hit me:

Maybe this whole weight thing isn’t such a big deal after all.

Oh man, that was a huge revelation. It started to click at this point.

I Dealt With a Difficult Situation Without Using Weight to Distract Myself

At this point you might be able to connect that while I was going through this whole journey I was also processing the (impending) break up. The personal growth I made dealing with the break up was life-altering, profound, and it all happened because I didn’t use my struggle with weight to distract myself from the pain. That’s right. I learned how to cope with a heart-breaking situation head on – face to face. I cried about it, I talked to friends about it, I prayed about it.

The only thing I didn’t do was eat about it.

Once I realized that I was handling this huge challenge without using food, I realized this invisible friend of mine, “Mr. Eat This Not That,” no longer served a purpose in my life. Sure the weight obsession distracted me from difficult things in high school, but I am stronger now, I am capable of dealing with things directly. I had grown up, and forgot to exfoliate my security blanket.

Two books also helped these realizations click for me: Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love and Geneen Roth’s Women, Food, and God.

I Fired My Ego

After I finally realized it was time to let go of this obsession with weight my ego had plenty of ammunition:

• You could get really fat if you stop paying attention to what you eat. Fatter than ever.
• Why do you think your body knows what to eat after nine years? Thinking about what you eat is the only way to stay in control.
• What if you just eat candy and ice cream all day?
• Blah, blah, blah.

Basically, it was like my ego was filibustering, stalling for time. And though I didn’t heed my ego’s fears, I did assume I needed to gracefully reach a point where I would be ready to hand my eating back to my gut/spirit/core.

But that didn’t happen.

One day last month I felt so miserable, bloated, fat, and disgusting while on Weight Watchers that I FIRED MY EGO!

I could no longer accept the crap lies it was telling me about how my “body wasn’t ready to control itself.” Given the miserable decade my ego had to “fix all my problems” by focusing on weight, and the recent failure to succeed at a tried and true method like WW, it was clear: MY EGO SUCKS AT CONTROLLING MY WEIGHT.

So at that moment, quite terrified, I prayed that my body take control of my eating. I prayed that I might eat when my body tells me I need food. And I prayed for the strength to stop eating when I was satisfied. I prayed that if I did gain weight from eating normally that I would be happy anyways. I prayed that the volume on my gut/spirit was turned up louder to drown out all the angry buzzing that was coming from my ego.

And you know what? I haven’t looked back.

What I’ve Learned While Eating Naturally

Okay, so I’m still relatively new at eating what my body tells me to – and this is why I’ve been waiting for the “right time” to talk about this here on MML. But you know what? The truth is, I am going to have to make the decision not to become obsessed or addicted to food every day of my life. And though my ego still whispers and criticizes me from time to time, trying to pull me back into the trap, I haven’t once decided “my ego knows how to eat better than my body.”

Nope. Not once.

In fact, looking at this objectively, the results are fascinating:

• I don’t think about eating nearly as much.
• I stop eating when I’m full.
• I am lighter now than at anytime since the binge eating began.
• I feel free.
• I still workout, but I’m not obsessed about it.
• I run to clear my head and heart.
• I look at my body as a whole and I like what I see.
• I face problems by praying, not eating.

So I can’t promise you all that I won’t struggle with this da*n ego/weight thing in the future. As I mentioned, it’s a daily choice. But at this point, I haven’t found an reason to put myself back in the prison cell of weight.

It’s time for me to be free and move on with my life.