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sleeping in separate beds
August 7th, 2013     |    Relationships

 

Today’s video has been on my to-do list for several weeks. But with prepping a site launch for a client and poor natural light in the evenings, taping the video was put on hold. However, just before Mr. Lively went to work this morning, we took a moment to record this video about the decision that has given us more energy for our days and actually brings us closer together.

It’s a topic that seems rather uncommon, but one that we find might really be helpful for some couples out there. Or, this might be a larger trend that is just simply flying under the radar.

Either way, we hope by sharing our experience it will help others who might benefit from this habit as well.

Update: Mr. Lively did have a deviated septum and got a sleep study done that showed he does not have sleep apnea. Now, he doesn’t really “snore” as much as he actually just breathes loudly with his mouth open on his back. So I end up rolling him over a few times a night and wake up to his breathing. 

  • Carey On Lovely

    Appreciate you sharing a a new perspective and it seems like this works for you guys well, but what about…. ummmm… spontaneous intimacy? You know what I’m talking about…wink wink.

  • Katrina Berlin Benco

    Wow, thanks for this. My hubby and I have been doing this for a few months. It is working out great for us, however I was feeling like this was bad for our marriage, or just wrong somehow. But, I feel better about embracing it now! So, THANKS!!!!!

  • Lol!! We didn’t mention that in the video (we forgot) but rest assured, no problems there!

  • Carey On Lovely

    I guess I need to get my mind out of the marital gutter, it was the first thing that occurred to me. Thanks for being open to be so personal to internet creepers like me.

  • No problem! Since we started talking about it with our friends we have found other couples do it too, they just don’t talk about it. So you definitely aren’t alone!

  • However, I do think it’s important to make sure it’s just the sleeping time, and not the ‘fun’ times or like you are living separate mornings/nights without one another. Mr. Lively actually comes in to wake me up each morning and we spend time cuddling then and before I fall asleep. : )

  • Nah, I think a lot of people would think that, too. Like I said, we were going to mention that, but we didn’t remember to in the video.

  • Katrina Berlin Benco

    Yea, that is the part we need to work on. We have small children and work different schedules so our sleep time and wake times are different. We try to make up for it on the weekends!! 🙂

  • Christine

    Interesting post. I tend to go to bed later than by husband and often I can’t fall asleep while he is already, so I fall asleep on the couch in the living room for an hour or two, typically wake up at around 3.00am and then get into bed proper. So I get it. HOWEVER, I would be worried about Mr Lively sleeping all night on a couch in terms of comfort / support / possible back problems. Sleeping on a couch does not offer the same support as a mattress and in the long term could give some serious back / neck problems. You say you have a guest bed available, is there a reason he’s not using that? Just concerned for his health, a bad back is no fun trust me!

  • Nice! Gotta be proactive on that one. ; )

  • Thanks for the suggestion!

    We actually have a day bed couch (just one huge firm cushion), so the support is really great – very similar to his current mattress in the guest room. As he mentions in the video, he actually prefers/sleeps better on the couch than in the guest room where he would obviously be able to do so as well.

  • Sweeter CPA

    I’m the worst with the snooze button! It’s amazing I wasn’t killed by some early college roommate who had to deal with my crazy!

  • Thanks for sharing this! First, I think you and Mr Lively are the cutest couple. 🙂 Second, my husband and I go back and forth between sleeping in the same bed and sleeping in different beds. We have different sleep schedules, and we both fall into the trap of hitting the snooze button. Sometimes sleeping apart makes us a more engaged couple the next day. I’m loving these videos!

  • nicole

    Getting a sound machine has changed our lives. (sleep wise) Once we got the sound machine it creates enough white noise that it covers up my husbands sleeping and I don’t wake up to his snoring and wake him up to turn over because he is snoring. It’s a good solution for couples that don’t have more than one bedroom and their couch isn’t really a good sleeping spot.

  • Ericka Andersen

    My husband and I sleep in separate beds for two reasons. For me, he snores and for him, I toss and turn. Neither of us was sleeping well. He sleeps on the couch and has just come to like it better than the bed. I think of it as kind of weird but I’m used to it now and don’t really care. I actually love having the bed to myself 🙂 — Ericka @ The Sweet Life (sweetlifeericka.com)

  • Lol! I didn’t notice that when we roomed at Alt.

  • Aw, I’m happy to hear you are liking the videos, lady! : )

    Also, it’s nice to hear you go back and forth between the two options. We have tried it during a work night and found that we didn’t sleep well and regretted it, but in the future we might to totally change things up. It’s nice to know we can go back and forth, like you.

  • That’s an awesome suggestion! And one that I might even consider sometime in the future if we change things up ourselves.

  • (me too.) : )

  • Jennifer

    Love this, Jess! Turned out great 🙂

  • chantelle

    This is genius. I wish so many people I know would consider this. Sleep is such an important part of one’s health, that compromising it for a snorer/toss & turner is not worth it in the long run. SLEEP IS KING!

  • Thanks, hun!

  • Amen!

  • Sweeter CPA

    I was probably on my best behavior to impress you!

  • Serena Faber Nelson

    Yes! Until we recently got a king bed (which I adore!) wee used to do this on weeknights too. I can remember reading that back in the day couples used to have their own beds, but then it became financially easier for them to purchase just one bed for them both!
    Also in buying our king bed we learnt that a double or queen bed has LESS room per person than a single bed – no wonder so many people don’t get a good nights sleep!

  • Had to jump in here! I totally understand where you’re coming from, Carey. My boyfriend and I have struggled with the sleep thing for years and I was terrified sleeping in separate beds would make intimacy worse or less frequent. In the last few years though I’ve been able to shed the stigma, largely because I realized I too sleep waaayyy better when we’re in separate beds. Ironically enough, I’ve found when we’re sleeping in separate beds, intimacy is WAY better. I suppose it has to do with being more rested but it’s interesting how the opposite of my fear ended up being true. Just some good food for thought!

  • That’s so crazy! I never knew that was why people only got one bed. We watch The Dick Van Dyke Show, where they have two beds, but they always get a rap for just being PC. I never knew there was more to it than that!

    And yes, we have nooo room for a king in our bedroom now, but it might be something to consider in the future.

  • That’s so cool! Thank you for sharing, hun!

  • Emily_Joyce

    This is something I’ve thought about. Right now, my husband and I have a full bed, and I’ve realized that a big part of the reason I can’t seem to get up and going in the morning is because I’m getting bumped into all night long. I think I’d miss cuddling too much to move to the couch though 🙁 But it’s worth considering!

  • Yeah, we don’t miss the cuddling in the morning or evening since it’s just when we are asleep that we are apart. But that might not work for you. You could try it for a few days and see how you like it!

  • Oh how I wish we could do this! Matt and I are both tall. He is 6’3″ and I’m 5’9″ – so we constantly bump into each other throughout the night. We don’t have a second bed since we downsized our apartments, but we get a little excited going to visit my parents- since all they have is twin beds! It made us feel kind of guilty, but I don’t feel guilty after hearing you both talk about it and seeing all these comments! ha!

  • For sure! I am glad it helps you feel better. According to an article about this they think 30-40% of couples do this, too!

    PS – Can’t wait to share what the print looks like! I’m sending you an email next week!

  • Can’t wait! I am trying to wrap it up over the next few days and early next week!

  • I’m another fan of separate sleeping. We both really like to sprawl out when we sleep, so two of us in a queen sized bed ends up feeling really cramped, and if one of us ends up going to bed and falling asleep before the other, it’s pretty much impossible to reclaim enough bed space from the other, so on those nights we often end up sleeping separately and whoever goes to bed later ends up sleeping on the couch. Our second bedroom is under construction currently, but when it’s finished we’ll have completely separate bedrooms.

  • Cerise

    I love that you posted a video about this topic! This is something that my husband and I have struggled with as long as we’ve been living together. I’m a restless sleeper and he occasionally snores; we’re both light sleepers, so it’s a recipe for disaster. We actually just bought a king-sized bed that’s arriving this week and we’re hoping that it helps to solve the problem. Perhaps in the future when we have more space we’ll consider separate sleeping quarters. I like how you guys have split the week up and are careful to just SLEEP apart. When we’ve discussed sleeping separately the potential loss of intimacy has definitely been a subject of concern. Anyway, thanks again for sharing!

  • Awesome!!

  • Fascinating! Are you going to decorate them as ‘his’ and ‘hers?’ Kinda Downton Abbey style? Or will one be more of the bedroom and the other the guest room?

  • Exactly, just SLEEP apart. I’d love to know how you like the king bed vs. queen bed vs. separate rooms. We can’t fit a king in our current place, and since we are both short, it seems silly to have a king… but maybe it would give me enough distance?? Would love to know how it goes for you!

  • Yep, no worries there. This is just when we are SLEEPing. : )

  • They’re going to be decorated as ‘his’ and ‘hers’ when we get it done. His room will also be playing double duty as the control room for our in-home recording studio.

  • Very nice! I’m guessing that means separate closets as well. Swoon.

  • I’m not holding out too much hope on separate closets though… His two inch tape machine lives in the one that will be his bedroom (those things are like as big as a washing machine).

  • Bummer. Oh well, at least the bedroom situation is working out. : )

  • Just stumbled on this now, but wanted to share that my boyfriend and I live together and often sleep separately during the week because of sleep schedules. He’s a musician who works at home and tends to work late, late hours while I rise by 6AM and head to bed by 10PM. When he comes to bed late at night, it wakes me up and I get terrible sleep, and often just because of working late, he will sleep on the couch in the music studio rather than even heading into bed. Anyways, it’s worked really really well for us. We tend to share a bed on weekends, but on weeknights I have the peace and comfort of knowing that I’m not going to be woken mid-sleep (which always has the lovely effect of nightmares for me).

    And I’m with you, zero loss of intimacy. It really is just SLEEP.

  • It’s great to meet another ‘separate sleeper’ (or whatever you want to call it). : )

    It’s not be the right decision for everyone… but I can totally relate to all you shared, too! Just better sleep which = happier couple.

  • Morgan

    Jess – Did you see this? It reminded me of this post (two years old already!) you did about your sleeping apart. What’s the latest?

    http://www.theatlantic.com/video/index/393218/a-rational-defense-of-sleeping-alone

  • I haven’t! Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I just showed Mr. Lively and got a huge kick out of it.

    We’ve been on and off about the separate rooms thing overall, but lately are back into it on weeknights. We really do sleep so much better, especially me.

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