things I’m afraid to tell you

March 29th, 2012   |   LifeThink About It

Though I like to think I’m pretty much an open book online, there are things about me that I hide for fear of rejection or judgement. This is silly to my logical brain, my experience has shown that the more we are real online, the more people can connect and care about us as humans on the other side of the computer screen.

But my emotional, fearful mind freaks when I think about sharing some things in my life.

So today I’d like to push that fear back – a little bit or a lot – I don’t care. I just want to see what it feels like to really push past my own self-imposed boundaries and share my thoughts that don’t often grace MML.

[Deep breath.]

Here it goes:

  • Yesterday after a tense customer service call, I cried in front of my assistant and new intern. (Not the “ugly cry,” but pretty close.)
  • Mr. Lively and I try to count our drinks per week and limit them to 14 per week total. (Sometimes we are under, sometimes we are over.)
  • I have PCOS, so I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to have kids. (This has made me pretty rigid in terms of dating and relationships, more than I’d like to admit.)
  • I have been jealous of married friends who have businesses. (I sometimes wish I could supplement my income with a spouse’s paycheck.)
  • I have been worried about getting seriously injured because of my self-employed health insurance. (My deductible is high and not that awesome. Luckily I’ve been blessed these past five years, knock on wood.)
  • My bank has declined a recent business credit line increase. (So I paid for inventory with my personal savings.)
  • I watch Joyce Meyer’s TV show everyday even though I’m not Christian. And I’m sometimes afraid if I mention her too much here, it will come off as preachy on MML. (So I call her Mrs. Meyers now half as a term of endearment, and half so people won’t think I’m pushing a Christian agenda.)
  • I get jealous when I see the extensive wardrobes of some of my fashionable friends. (I know money isn’t everything. But sometimes I actively ignore that fact.)
  • I’m terrible with names. I’ve reintroduced myself to people I’ve met before. Many times. (I wish I was better at this, but I’m sure I’ll do it again.)

Thanks for listening. Though I don’t know what the fallout from sharing these facts will be, I’m hoping that it’s not as bad as I’ve always feared.


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  • Thank you so, so much for inspiring the courage in me to participate in this act of transparent honesty as well. I really appreciate it!

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  • Hi Jess!

    My late-Hunny often wore a pin that said “Hi! I don’t remember your name, either” – broke that barrier faster and more painlessly than anything! 🙂

    My own “Things I’m Afraid to Tell Myself, Let Alone You” post has to wait ’til after I do a couple of the things that I’ve committed to and am just as *afraid* to DO! Please, wish me a boot to the bottom ~ TIA!

    I just found this inspiring post via comment-connections, starting at Life[Comma]Etc.

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  • joyce meyer’s words are beautiful and comforting. they always help me to gain strength and perspective or even rest in the pain, knowing it is for change and growth, and out of that comes good. you mentioned that you are not christian but follow joyce’s show each day. what do you find in her words that keeps you coming back each day? i would love to know more about this.

    as for the seriously injured part, it is possible to have short term and long term disability coverage that would supplement your income if you were to become seriously injured and unable to work. it shouldnt be more than $20 a month for both, my company uses Lincoln National, they should offer that on an individual level.

    and im right there with you on those with husbands supplemental checks, and just those with husbands in general, and even worse those with husbands that have beautiful babies and a great wardrobe. gosh, it gets the best of me some days. and i have to remember that God is writing a story for me, it is unique to me and all my own, and it is for good. and this: Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalms 37:4 How amazing it is that comfort those words bring! Thank you for your honesty, its a beautiful and courageous thing.

  • Jess

    Jenna, thank you so much for your comment! I totally agree with you – I find Joyce’s words beautiful, and comforting regardless of her religious beliefs. I’m deeply spiritual and her teachings at the core are universal and so wonderful for everyone, not just Christians specifically, which is why I love listening to her. : )

    Thanks for the insurance info. I am now married and have great health insurance under my husband’s plan.

    And I totally hear you on the husband thing. Now that I’m married, I think there is probably some other thing in the future that my ego may flare up about – there’s always something more out there, you know? But like you, I’m narrowing my focus on my own life and path!

  • jen

    i wanted to ask if you have looked into fertility diets in regards to your PCOS? i have been doing a TON of research lately about food and the gut and have come across many surprising things. it gets very complex, so i will summarize a bit. GM foods are one of the main destroyers of the gut lining (preservatives/chemicals too). this is because the genetic modifications break your DNA, inhibiting your body’s ability to create new healthy cells, and your gut lining cells are some of the most frequently replaced, so your gut is one of the first things affected. look up gut flora on wikipedia. your gut also plays a huge role in your emotions and immune system, and your endocrine regulation (estrogen included). also of note: SOY; it is subsidized and added to ALMOST EVERYTHING, look at your labels. soy should only be eaten in small amounts and ONLY if fermented (miso, tempeh, soy sauce, etc). the FDA has almost 300 papers confirming soy as a carcinogen (not fermented), is one of the largest GM crops in the US, and contains high amounts of phytoestrogens (plant estrogens) which bind to human estrogen receptors. BPA is a xenoestrogen (synthetic estrogen) and also binds to estrogen receptors. BPA lines canned foods, sodas, anything plastic that does not say BPA-free, and leaches into your food/drink; BPA is released at higher rates at higher temperatures. the effect of estrogen overload can be fertility problems in general… but it also messes with your thyroid, which is responsible for all manner of endocrine regulation in your body. if your thyroid is messed up, there can be a plethora of confusing issues going on. look to your food, and dig deep for answers if you want to resolve your PCOS. Nourishing Traditions is a good book, and naturally fermented foods are helpful. of course, i am not a doctor. 😉 i can only offer advice.

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  • Samantha

    Just discovered your blog and love how candid and open you are – it really makes the blog amazing!

  • That is great to hear, Samantha. I’m glad you like the blog and my openness. : )

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  • taren

    another absolutely beautiful post.

    My favorite part was the Joyce Meyer part. I am a christian and I still get “weird” about talking about Jesus too much on my blog or facebook – one because I don’t consider that who I am. I am deeply in love with the man but I don’t think any relationship, especially one so significant as that, should be forced on anyone – and two, I recognize that there is a fear element in there. I don’t want to be that person.

    thanks for being real.

  • I’m so happy to hear you enjoy this post and can relate to the Joyce part, Taren. It can be tricky to talk about what inspires you from a spiritual or religious perspective without raising eyebrows. But in the end, we must follow our guts.

  • Elizabeth Finlayson

    This is one of the best things I’ve read online. I am also scared to share these types of things with my online audience. The lesson I learned: Because of this post, I like you and I don’t even know you!

  • I’m glad you liked this post, Elizabeth! It sure wasn’t easy to press publish, but I thank you so much for sharing how it touched you.

    I also hope it helps you – in any small way – to feel more comfortable being who you are with your online audience, too. : )

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  • Such a refreshing post, thanks for taking the plunge, I am sure people just want to relate to reality – don’t worry you won’t lose anything for sharing this part of you.